It hurts to see her like this

As a mother, to watch your child go through such a trauma and seeing her not want to live is HARD. I cannot imagine life without her.  But I also have to be prepared for life without her .. Just in case I cannot change her mind.  Despite the fact that I don’t believe it, I have to tell myself that I am doing my best and that is all I can do.  She has depression and BPD.  

The Be-Gratitudes

I am grateful for everyday that she is lives and is here with me and the  family.

I am grateful for my husband [who had little clue about mental illness an its repercussions] who is a rock to me and. . my dog who is a Constant and brings so much puppy love.

I am grateful for each day when I wake up – remembering that Cheryl passed away from leukemia in March last year and will not get to see her children grow up or finish living her life.

I am grateful for my eldest – who battled her own darkness too – but is safely at studying and working now.

I am grateful for the psychologist who helped me with some strategies when it was so out of me depth and who told me to just hold and sit tight when she raged – for all my daughter wanted to do was to lash out and know that I would stick around and contain it for her.

Lastly I am grateful for my ten fingers and toes and our home – because after dealing daily with her illness; I really go back to basics and are grateful for things that I have overlooked and really taken for granted.


GRATITUDE : I have never been the type of person who would be the ungrateful kind. But as the years passed, with the full onslaught of life’s demands and acquisitions, I forgot to go back to basics.  Her illness brought that aspect back into my life – along with the Nexflix boys, The Minimalists.  Less is the new “More” I say … 

As a mother who comes from a traditional culture of “Education being a critical passport”; doing well academically; and striving for a career to be a professional with a good title,  explaining to the family members that she simply IS NOT WELL enough to finish school was painful.  My husband and I were NOT embarrassed – after all, it is what is, but we had to change OUR own mindset that she has a different path as well as those who were close around us.  Maybe not being able to finish school was okay as she could always take sub -courses to build her career.  This wish of mine is a long way away so I cannot even plan for that now.

But on the mornings after I have been though a sleepless night and wake up with waves of anxiousness as to whether I can have a good day, I open my day with my Be-Gratitudes and it settles me.  Namaste ..


We don’t communicate like we use to

Let me put it out there, I am not a lover of technology.  By that I am referring to the new world of super computers, mobile phones, e-games, the endless pool of movies on demand.  I KNOW technology has been helpful in many ways in advancing us BUT I think it has now tipped over to a “overuse” and addition status.  We don’t call people, our friends to talk anymore, instead we message.

I always knew she was shy.  But she would come home and share her day with me.  I knew she had friends and she was not being bullied.  She seemed fine.  But she was bottling up all her fears and anxieties.  As a working mum, I did not realise the extent of time she was spending on gaming after school.  My husband is a believer that this generation of kids – the first generation growing up surrounded by lots of technology – should learn to self-regulate from young.  This is a fundamental difference between us – I DON’T think at a young age (up to late teens) the child can self – regulate.   Everything of entertainment purpose in technology is designed to keep the audience coming back for more.

The problem is if you are shy and a keeper of your feelings, having the use of a mobile phone, you have a barrier and you don’t get as many chances to develop the skills to express yourself verbally.  Also you will internalize a lot of emotions and thoughts.  Any e-message received that you have doubts over you ruminate whether the tone was cutting or dismissive – words that can be read over and over again in case you missed the point.  

The problem is if you are shy and a keeper of your feelings, having the use of e-games means you can lose yourself in another world with anonymous players.  Whilst you are communicating with the other players, this is a very aggressive form of interaction.  The spoken and the typed words do not in any way resemble pleasant.  The imagery of “The League” and other e-games embeds itself even at 1-2 hours per day worth of entertainment.

The problem is if you are shy and a keeper of your feelings, when it all gets too much – you lose the connection to a lifeline of talking and expressing your inner concern.  It is much easier to play with your two friends – the phone and the game.

And .. we are the first generation of parents to see our kids grow up with all these new forms of entertainment.  So different to what we grew up with.  Whilst I understand every generation has been different is lifestyle,  this generation has had more changes in many aspects – easy access to information just by Googling,  more things to worry about as there are myriads of make up videos, a bazillion fashion items to shop from ..  

I tell her to stay true to herself.  To express her thoughts when she is bursting from anger, confusion, self hate – rather than cut herself.  I remind her she is an empath like me and she needs to understand that tears are normal and that we get joy from doing acts of kindness.  I tell her that Yes, I would miss her if she chooses not to live and I respect that the choice to live has to be hers, but I hope she will stay so she can take me shopping when I am old. 

The problem is if you are shy and a keeper of your feelings, and you have a family history of depression but you are also on the BPD spectrum,  the new world of technology can be a trigger.   Well .. THAT is my take anyway.  

I am glad that she can now message me “I am not feeling good” and I can call her to ask if she wants me to come home and take her for a drive ..