So I am sitting here – 3 weeks sick – with an eye infection and sore throat in the middle of winter. “It’s Viral” so the doctor said last week – and has advised me to sit tight and let the virus runs its course. I messaged my husband the other day and said “I am so tired .. i just don’t have the energy to get up most mornings. Not sure why”. He wrote back to me “You are sick (ie. my germs). You have a depressed daughter. You are going through menopause. OF COURSE you are tired”. OMG why didn’t I think of THAT myself?
I think the ultimate nightmare for a Carer is when you get to the stage where you say to yourself – “I DON’T CARE ANYMORE”. And those words will be said many times over as the journey with BPD rides up and down.
I DON’T CARE – Those words sound SO bad don’t they? Makes you feel like a shitty mum who has given up. A point where you are want to look her in the eye and say – Please STOP. Please STOP with all the shit.. the hurtful words, the sarcasm, the oh i am sick so i cannot make my days work, oh look at these stories of others like me who never get better and all the negativity. Please STOP making the rest of us hurt and tip toe around you.
Baby, I love you but you seriously need to pick yourself up and do something about it. If you say that you want to try going back on medication (this will be the forth time) then we need to see a psychiatrist (this will the fifth one). How about the DBT course that is meant to be a useful tool ? Can you start that at least? Can you at least try to go for your driver’s license so that you can be a little bit more independent? WHAT? YOU want to drive into a tree? Do you understand the severity of the stress all this causing? There are SO many things I want to say but alas dare not – because BPD people are hypersensitive and need to be coaxed ..
How long is this going to go on for and when will I get to the PEACEFUL stage in MY life? How many days can I go on Carers Leave for? And please tell me to whom do I apply to?
I googled for local support groups hoping to maybe find one I can attend – to vent, to see if other parents are going mental like I am, to maybe get some strategies and ideas … perhaps hear some success stories. THIS is what I found on a state website as part of some tips for Carers ..
- “Eat Well and Exercise” .. Sure no problems. Plenty of time to do all that! Being a bit cynical here but yes i get the point ..
- “Get a good night’s sleep. Don’t drink coffee or tea in the evening and explore ways to wind down before bed. Meditation, listening to music or reading can help if you have difficulty falling asleep.” .. ah I have been getting this wrong – I have restless sleep and only getting 4 – 5 hours generally. Must change that habit.
- “Don’t throw out leftovers – store them appropriately refrigerated or frozen for a quick meal the next day” .. wow who would have thought of that? That’s a ripper of a tip.
I know I am being a bit of a obnoxious here – perhaps some people genuinely need those tips – but where does the internet keep the good stuff?
AND then I remember – the good stuff is in me .. Unconditional Love. Resilience. Forgiveness. Faith and Hope. She is my baby – was then, is now and always will be. So I guess there is no other allotted Carer, BUT ME …
But for now – I am allowed to be a bitch and grumpy because I am sick ..
3 months later
Week1-19 – The universe must have heard my calling because I have been in contact with “Family Connections” and since joined a Support Group and there are about 16 of us in the group. It has been difficult to listen to the stories of the other members about their life experiences handling a person with BPD. In the group, there are members with husband, wife, son and daughters (similar age to mine as well as older) whom they are dealing with.
The core features of borderline personality disorder include emotion dysregulation, impulsivity, and interpersonal dysfunction.
According to the DSM-5, borderline personality disorder is characterized by:
Pervasive instability of social relationships, elf-image, and emotions; marked impulsivity beginning in early adulthood and present in at least five of the following contexts:
• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, reflecting intolerance to be alone
• Unstable and intense relationships marked by abrupt and extreme shifts between idealization and devaluation
* Identity disturbance, seen in an unstable self-image or sense of self
• Impulsivity that is potentially self-damaging in at least two of the following areas—spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating
• Recurrent suicidal gestures or threats, or self-mutilation
• Marked mood reactivity
• Chronic feelings of emptiness
• Frequent displays of inappropriate or intense anger
• Stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.