Category: Death

My wishes upon death

My dear daughters

As the world seems obsessed with the Covid19 Death rates and FEAR has settled upon mankind let me now discuss this ever sensitive topic that so many people seem to feel that nations need to go into a huge debt for.   I hope for both your sakes that it will not be a lifelong burden.  But I guess the whole world may never be the same after 2020.

When I was 5 years old, I remember crying in bed.  Mum peered up from her bed across the room – she was either reading or watching TV at that time of the night, and asked why I was sobbing.  I replied that I was going to miss her when she passed on.  She was rather taken aback, and said that she was only 31 and hoped to live a little longer.  After which she told me to go back to sleep…  and from that day on wards I knew that I was someone who needed to prepare ahead of time – to say goodbye, that is.

Planning for me just meant that certain things that are inevitable can be faced calmly.  And Death is definitely on the list.  Perhaps mum’s saying of “The one thing that you can be SURE of when you are born is that one day you will die”.   So on THAT note – to save you both from worrying too much what my preferences are let me start now with some suggestions.

BURIAL OR CREMATION ? At this stage, I am still undecided as to whether I would like to be buried or cremated.  I like the idea of being scattered but I also like the idea of a site to you to come and visit me.  I am sure you know that I believe in travelling souls after my passing – so just give me the heads up when you intend to visit the grave and I will be present with you.   Your father has indicated that he would like to be buried near Grandma and Grandpa, so that works for me too.  The grave site near the Mornington beach, has its attractions and I love the beach myself so don’t over think this one. Happy to be buried at the Mornington site.   

CHURCH OR HILL TOP ? In terms of the service venue, it sounds a bit of an ask but a service on a high spot such as a hill top on a nice sunny day … I am not sure if there are any restrictions about whether a church service needs to be held technically “at church” …  I know dad has said that after the service, you can push my coffin off the cliff / hill top and set it alight at the same time for a more dramatic effect.  I worry more how we will get the coffin up the hill top in the first place.  So you now know my first preference for a venue.  Good luck.   

But if you had to choose a church, a nice cosy one would or our home based St. Dominic’s could pass.. as long as the Pastor giving the service speaks clearly in English and is engaging.  Give me one of the boring ones and I will haunt you afterwards!  I dislike speakers who drone on.

MASS OR SOUL RELEASING SERVICE ? As to the type of service, I am going to find this hard as I am Christian “and more”.  So spirituality, tends to be a bit boundary-less for me.  How do I encompass everything about our existence and The Universe at my passing, a bit of everything that make up my beliefs?  I would like – a passage from the Bible, Psalm 23, is I know is predictable but has very solid words. I have recited those words many a time when I needed reassurance.  I will mark some of my other favorite passages in the King James Bible located in the study bookcase.  [On a side note – please do not give that copy of King James away, as that was given to me by my father and it is special].   I would also like a short recital of a  Buddhist chant.  You may select from one the two chants that I have  learnt [and painted] – “Om mani padme hum” or “Nam myoho renge kyo”.   As to the rest of the ceremony – I leave it up to both of you to fill in the gaps.  My only advice is – if you get stuck, just go with your heart and choose the one that makes you happy.

BOOKLET LAYOUT – Please also feel free to select any of my art pieces for the front cover of the booklet.  I assume you WILL have a physical booklet right? Please don’t do the “e-thing” on me.  Paper and nice smooth creamy rustic paper will be fine.  Around the 100 gsm mark please.  As to printing dates, I am not fussed  – disclosure is not an issue as you both know.

On to the topic of MUSIC and PHOTOS.  This one will be interesting – Classical and Soul-like during and upbeat at the end as you are walking out ? My favourite classics from “Pride and Prejudice” (Dario Marianelli and Jean-Yves Thibaudet); Dionne Warwick’s Say a Little Prayer for you; and a MUST is Israel Kaʻanoʻi Kamakawiwoʻole’s version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow medley; … and whatever takes your fancy.  There are a heap of photos stored in the server – so do your best to siphon through them all.  My favourite ones have always been with the ones taken with the  two of you on Mother’s Day on the years where we have managed to take a photo without protest from either of you.

Life is to be celebrated and I will say that I have been blessed – with both of you and dad.  Overall, it is and will be a good life.  So I would like a “happy funeral” despite the circumstances of death.  Do not fear, as “you” will live on and the love that we have given and shown to others will live on – both as part of our energy and in their hearts.  We will always be connected, as mother and child – and I will be by your side if you ever need me.  Live life to the fullest each day and give love unconditionally with compassion as best as you can. 

I love you both.  x

 

   

 

 

When Cheryl Died

Cheryl found out she has cancer, leukemia, in the latter part of  the 2017.  It could have been triggered by the mold that was growing in the school building that she worked in. The smell that she hated so much in the building that she worked in daily made her feel so sick.  She started to notice the smell around March 2017.  She went to perform an allergy test and she was diagnosed as being heavily allergic to mold … so it made sense that she applied to be transferred to another building.   But all blood tests showed up normal at that point in time ..

[Mold Blurb ref: https://www.poison.org/articles/2011-oct/mold-101-effects-on-human-health%5D

She went on a holiday to Vietnam around June of that year and felt the heat of the days while she was there for a few weeks.  When she returned she felt exhausted all the time.  It was unknown if being in a hot country, did the heat of the days trigger anything in to change in her body after being exposed to mold.

So despite having a clean record in March, she decided to re-visit the GP in August.  When she said “I am so tired I could just lie on your floor” to the GP, he immediately ordered another set of blood tests for her.  Turned out she had blood cancer – the marrow was just producing rouge cells.   Chemo therapy was the treatment prescribed and she had two rounds by the time early 2018 came. 

Cheryl was a mum I knew from school days and whilst we were not close friends, we had a common friend whom we were both close to and that was our main link.  We would have Friday night drinks at our friend’s house and laugh away the “shits” of the week that had passed.

But in terms of Cheryl as a person, I always loved her smile – she reminded me of Moon Face in Faraway Tree; A sun flower beaming and she had the Tinkle Bell laughter special.  And she was a popular woman with no airs about her.

After two chemos and one attempted stem cell replacement [that did not work], her body gave up – she said she just did not have the energy to carry on despite all the rallying of her friends and family.  She passed away in the second month of 2018.  We buried her in her home town and its been a full year since I said goodbye.

Here’s the thing – when she passed away, I knew our common friend would miss her deeply.  For me, less .. I knew that I would be reminded occasionally of her as I came across things that related to her.    But at THAT point I really thought about “WHO in my life I would REALLY miss if they were no longer physically present”.  And it hit me – my parents, my husband and my two daughters.  Yes I have girlfriends whom I am close/very close to BUT the people whom I would really feel a hole in my life for if they were gone, I counted on one hand. FIVE.

So I now try to visit my parents as often as possible who knows how long they have left .. I realized that despite the fact that my daughter is still recovering from depression/BPD and finding her way – I still NEED to also be with others who will leave a hole in my life.  I need to ensure that I don’t forget that others who need me too.

And I need them for my sanity – so that I may continue to experience the balance of a normal relationships. 

Cheryl had about 6 months from the time she found out to the time she passed.  Her kids are not dissimilar in age to mine but they will travel a different journey without a mum to watch them complete their adult hood.   I am humbled to be given a chance to see my kids grow up.  And even though we/she have/has mental issues we have a chance to share the ups and downs .. preferably less downs moving forward .. please ..\

At her funeral,  I learnt that Cheryl often wrote “Be Jolly” on the greeting cards that she sent – such an odd old-fashioned expression I thought at that time.  It seems so under utilized as an expression nowadays.  But as the days have passed, I understand that was how she lived her life – she was sunshine and she was “happy” infectious.  It also represents looking at the world from lighter side no matter how hard things get.

So my dear Cheryl –

Each day I am reminded from you, that DESPITE ALL THE DARK DAYS AND CHALLENGES that I face, I am still alive to watch both my girls grow up; that I have the opportunity to make time to spend with my parents before they pass on and to cherish some more years of companionship with my husband.  And that I can still choose to be jolly ..