A Carer’s Nightmare

So I am sitting here – 3 weeks sick – with an eye infection and sore throat in the middle of winter. “It’s Viral” so the doctor said last week – and has advised me to sit tight and let the virus runs its course. I messaged my husband the other day and said “I am so tired .. i just don’t have the energy to get up most mornings. Not sure why”. He wrote back to me “You are sick (ie. my germs). You have a depressed daughter. You are going through menopause. OF COURSE you are tired”. OMG why didn’t I think of THAT myself?

I think the ultimate nightmare for a Carer is when you get to the stage where you say to yourself – “I DON’T CARE ANYMORE”. And those words will be said many times over as the journey with BPD rides up and down.

I DON’T CARE – Those words sound SO bad don’t they? Makes you feel like a shitty mum who has given up. A point where you are want to look her in the eye and say – Please STOP. Please STOP with all the shit.. the hurtful words, the sarcasm, the oh i am sick so i cannot make my days work, oh look at these stories of others like me who never get better and all the negativity. Please STOP making the rest of us hurt and tip toe around you.

Baby, I love you but you seriously need to pick yourself up and do something about it. If you say that you want to try going back on medication (this will be the forth time) then we need to see a psychiatrist (this will the fifth one). How about the DBT course that is meant to be a useful tool ? Can you start that at least? Can you at least try to go for your driver’s license so that you can be a little bit more independent? WHAT? YOU want to drive into a tree? Do you understand the severity of the stress all this causing? There are SO many things I want to say but alas dare not – because BPD people are hypersensitive and need to be coaxed ..

How long is this going to go on for and when will I get to the PEACEFUL stage in MY life? How many days can I go on Carers Leave for? And please tell me to whom do I apply to?

I googled for local support groups hoping to maybe find one I can attend – to vent, to see if other parents are going mental like I am, to maybe get some strategies and ideas … perhaps hear some success stories. THIS is what I found on a state website as part of some tips for Carers ..

“Eat Well and Exercise” .. Sure no problems. Plenty of time to do all that! Being a bit cynical here but yes i get the point ..
“Get a good night’s sleep. Don’t drink coffee or tea in the evening and explore ways to wind down before bed. Meditation, listening to music or reading can help if you have difficulty falling asleep.” .. ah I have been getting this wrong – I have restless sleep and only getting 4 – 5 hours generally. Must change that habit.
“Don’t throw out leftovers – store them appropriately refrigerated or frozen for a quick meal the next day” .. wow who would have thought of that? That’s a ripper of a tip.

I know I am being a bit of a obnoxious here – perhaps some people genuinely need those tips – but where does the internet keep the good stuff?

AND then I remember – the good stuff is in me .. Unconditional Love. Resilience. Forgiveness. Faith and Hope. She is my baby – was then, is now and always will be. So I guess there is no other allotted Carer, BUT ME …

But for now – I am allowed to be a bitch and grumpy because I am sick ..

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3 months later

Week1-19 – The universe must have heard my calling because I have been in contact with “Family Connections” and since joined a Support Group and there are about 16 of us in the group. It has been difficult to listen to the stories of the other members about their life experiences handling a person with BPD. In the group, there are members with husband, wife, son and daughters (similar age to mine as well as older) whom they are dealing with.

The core features of borderline personality disorder include emotion dysregulation, impulsivity, and interpersonal dysfunction.

According to the DSM-5, borderline personality disorder is characterized by:

Pervasive instability of social relationships, elf-image, and emotions; marked impulsivity beginning in early adulthood and present in at least five of the following contexts:

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, reflecting intolerance to be alone

• Unstable and intense relationships marked by abrupt and extreme shifts between idealization and devaluation

* Identity disturbance, seen in an unstable self-image or sense of self

• Impulsivity that is potentially self-damaging in at least two of the following areas—spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating

• Recurrent suicidal gestures or threats, or self-mutilation

• Marked mood reactivity

• Chronic feelings of emptiness

• Frequent displays of inappropriate or intense anger

• Stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

We don’t communicate like we use to

Let me put it out there, I am not a lover of technology. By that I am referring to the new world of super computers, mobile phones, e-games, the endless pool of movies on demand. I KNOW technology has been helpful in many ways in advancing us BUT I think it has now tipped over to a “overuse” and addition status. We don’t call people, our friends to talk anymore, instead we message.

I always knew she was shy. But she would come home and share her day with me. I knew she had friends and she was not being bullied. She seemed fine. But she was bottling up all her fears and anxieties. As a working mum, I did not realise the extent of time she was spending on gaming after school. My husband is a believer that this generation of kids – the first generation growing up surrounded by lots of technology – should learn to self-regulate from young. This is a fundamental difference between us – I DON’T think at a young age (up to late teens) the child can self – regulate. Everything of entertainment purpose in technology is designed to keep the audience coming back for more.

The problem is if you are shy and a keeper of your feelings, having the use of a mobile phone, you have a barrier and you don’t get as many chances to develop the skills to express yourself verbally. Also you will internalize a lot of emotions and thoughts. Any e-message received that you have doubts over you ruminate whether the tone was cutting or dismissive – words that can be read over and over again in case you missed the point.

The problem is if you are shy and a keeper of your feelings, having the use of e-games means you can lose yourself in another world with anonymous players. Whilst you are communicating with the other players, this is a very aggressive form of interaction. The spoken and the typed words do not in any way resemble pleasant. The imagery of “The League” and other e-games embeds itself even at 1-2 hours per day worth of entertainment.

The problem is if you are shy and a keeper of your feelings, when it all gets too much – you lose the connection to a lifeline of talking and expressing your inner concern. It is much easier to play with your two friends – the phone and the game.

And .. we are the first generation of parents to see our kids grow up with all these new forms of entertainment. So different to what we grew up with. Whilst I understand every generation has been different is lifestyle, this generation has had more changes in many aspects – easy access to information just by Googling, more things to worry about as there are myriads of make up videos, a bazillion fashion items to shop from ..

I tell her to stay true to herself. To express her thoughts when she is bursting from anger, confusion, self hate – rather than cut herself. I remind her she is an empath like me and she needs to understand that tears are normal and that we get joy from doing acts of kindness. I tell her that Yes, I would miss her if she chooses not to live and I respect that the choice to live has to be hers, but I hope she will stay so she can take me shopping when I am old.

The problem is if you are shy and a keeper of your feelings, and you have a family history of depression but you are also on the BPD spectrum, the new world of technology can be a trigger. Well .. THAT is my take anyway.

I am glad that she can now message me “I am not feeling good” and I can call her to ask if she wants me to come home and take her for a drive ..

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It hurts to see her like this

As a mother, to watch your child go through such a trauma and seeing her not want to live is HARD. I cannot imagine life without her. But I also have to be prepared for life without her .. Just in case I cannot change her mind. Despite the fact that I don’t believe it, I have to tell myself that I am doing my best and that is all I can do. She has depression and BPD.

It feels like it has been such a long road … despite the years that have passed since I learnt about her condition, some days it feels like yesterday when I first saw her with the fresh cuts and then at other times, I feel like that visual is buried deep in my brain. But despite the passing of time, the hurt of witnessing your child’s evidence of self harm, suffer an eating disorder, cut off all her friendship groups and leave secondary school unable to complete it – is very very painful.