My wishes upon death

My dear daughters

As the world seems obsessed with the Covid19 Death rates and FEAR has settled upon mankind let me now discuss this ever sensitive topic that so many people seem to feel that nations need to go into a huge debt for. I hope for both your sakes that it will not be a lifelong burden. But I guess the whole world may never be the same after 2020.

When I was 5 years old, I remember crying in bed. Mum peered up from her bed across the room – she was either reading or watching TV at that time of the night, and asked why I was sobbing. I replied that I was going to miss her when she passed on. She was rather taken aback, and said that she was only 31 and hoped to live a little longer. After which she told me to go back to sleep… and from that day on wards I knew that I was someone who needed to prepare ahead of time – to say goodbye, that is.

Planning for me just meant that certain things that are inevitable can be faced calmly. And Death is definitely on the list. Perhaps mum’s saying of “The one thing that you can be SURE of when you are born is that one day you will die”. So on THAT note – to save you both from worrying too much what my preferences are let me start now with some suggestions.

BURIAL OR CREMATION ? At this stage, I am still undecided as to whether I would like to be buried or cremated. I like the idea of being scattered but I also like the idea of a site to you to come and visit me. I am sure you know that I believe in travelling souls after my passing – so just give me the heads up when you intend to visit the grave and I will be present with you. Your father has indicated that he would like to be buried near Grandma and Grandpa, so that works for me too. The grave site near the Mornington beach, has its attractions and I love the beach myself so don’t over think this one. Happy to be buried at the Mornington site.

CHURCH OR HILL TOP ? In terms of the service venue, it sounds a bit of an ask but a service on a high spot such as a hill top on a nice sunny day … I am not sure if there are any restrictions about whether a church service needs to be held technically “at church” … I know dad has said that after the service, you can push my coffin off the cliff / hill top and set it alight at the same time for a more dramatic effect. I worry more how we will get the coffin up the hill top in the first place. So you now know my first preference for a venue. Good luck.

But if you had to choose a church, a nice cosy one would or our home based St. Dominic’s could pass.. as long as the Pastor giving the service speaks clearly in English and is engaging. Give me one of the boring ones and I will haunt you afterwards! I dislike speakers who drone on.

MASS OR SOUL RELEASING SERVICE ? As to the type of service, I am going to find this hard as I am Christian “and more”. So spirituality, tends to be a bit boundary-less for me. How do I encompass everything about our existence and The Universe at my passing, a bit of everything that make up my beliefs? I would like – a passage from the Bible, Psalm 23, is I know is predictable but has very solid words. I have recited those words many a time when I needed reassurance. I will mark some of my other favorite passages in the King James Bible located in the study bookcase. [On a side note – please do not give that copy of King James away, as that was given to me by my father and it is special]. I would also like a short recital of a Buddhist chant. You may select from one the two chants that I have learnt [and painted] – “Om mani padme hum” or “Nam myoho renge kyo”. As to the rest of the ceremony – I leave it up to both of you to fill in the gaps. My only advice is – if you get stuck, just go with your heart and choose the one that makes you happy.

BOOKLET LAYOUT – Please also feel free to select any of my art pieces for the front cover of the booklet. I assume you WILL have a physical booklet right? Please don’t do the “e-thing” on me. Paper and nice smooth creamy rustic paper will be fine. Around the 100 gsm mark please. As to printing dates, I am not fussed – disclosure is not an issue as you both know.

On to the topic of MUSIC and PHOTOS. This one will be interesting – Classical and Soul-like during and upbeat at the end as you are walking out ? My favourite classics from “Pride and Prejudice” (Dario Marianelli and Jean-Yves Thibaudet); Dionne Warwick’s Say a Little Prayer for you; and a MUST is Israel Kaʻanoʻi Kamakawiwoʻole’s version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow medley; … and whatever takes your fancy. There are a heap of photos stored in the server – so do your best to siphon through them all. My favourite ones have always been with the ones taken with the two of you on Mother’s Day on the years where we have managed to take a photo without protest from either of you.

Life is to be celebrated and I will say that I have been blessed – with both of you and dad. Overall, it is and will be a good life. So I would like a “happy funeral” despite the circumstances of death. Do not fear, as “you” will live on and the love that we have given and shown to others will live on – both as part of our energy and in their hearts. We will always be connected, as mother and child – and I will be by your side if you ever need me. Live life to the fullest each day and give love unconditionally with compassion as best as you can.

I love you both. x

Breathing back to Basics

I get so stressed sometimes I forget to breathe …

We have forgotten how to breathe – the proper way that is. Deep breaths with intention and power that actually allows oxygen into our lungs. The breaths that we use to take as babies and when we sat outside on the grass in the sunshine as a child. It takes a lot of practice to get it right. Apparently it starts – nose in, go all the way down to your belly (you should be able to feel the belly muscle expand) and then back out. And this Tai Chi teacher I met last year said she even mastered the ability to harness the energy of her breath back out through her spinal cord to complete the cycle.

Recently I worked out that I have forgotten how to breathe. With all my daily stressors, from work and home, – I take shallow breaths. At times I will suddenly click that I have even stopped “breathing”. Not like I would be gasping for air like a fish out of water – but it was noticeable that I had just taken small shallow breaths for a period of time. And how long was that period? I cannot even say.

Shallow breaths start at the nose and end at the chest. One third the journey that a proper breath should be making. In that, the body does not get its full intake of oxygen and the blood stream.

DEEP BREATHS = 1. Better detoxification process for body; body is more efficient at releasing toxins. When you inhale and exhale deeply, the body releases carbon dioxide, and along with it many toxins. 2. It reminds the body that it is NOT in a stressed environment.

BUT more to breathing – it would help her – I wish she would let me (or anyone else) teach her HOW to use Breathing as a technique to help her when she gets her panic/anxiety attacks.

When it got bad and she had panic attacks, she would be in a crouching position, frozen, and not be able to move. On the grass, in the middle of the school oval, anywhere, until we picked her up and helped her walk back to the car. If we were out shopping, she would literally need to go home immediately .. She sometimes refers to it as “Mr Anxiety” – an endearing term to de-personalize the experience.

Now that she is in a slightly better space, she verbally lets me know she is experiencing an attack, gets fidgety and sets about to either annoy me with gentle whacks and/or pokes my arms or my face. Whilst I am irritated that I get used as her “slapping board” I guess she is at least .. letting it out. I know Deep Breathing will not resolve her issues but it is a Tool – one that I am sure the DBT course teaches people with BPD. But alas she is stubborn and will not undertake any treatment at the moment.

The ART OF BREATHING is something we have forgotten – as well as the art of laying still like vegetables .. Be a Broccoli for a day and take deep breaths.

The Healing Code Breathing

Breathing with CHI

The Be-Gratitudes

I am grateful for everyday that she is lives another day and is here with me and the family.

I am grateful for my husband [who had little clue about mental illness an its repercussions] who is a rock to me and. . my dog who is a Constant and brings so much puppy love.

I am grateful for each day when I wake up – remembering that Cheryl passed away from leukemia in March last year and will not get to see her children grow up or finish living her life.

I am grateful for my eldest – who battled her own darkness too – but is safely at studying and working now.

I am grateful for the psychologist who helped me with some strategies when it was so out of me depth and who told me to just hold and sit tight when she raged – for all my daughter wanted to do was to lash out and know that I would stick around and contain it for her.

Lastly I am grateful for my ten fingers and toes and our home – because after dealing daily with her illness; I really go back to basics and are grateful for things that I have overlooked and really taken for granted.

GRATITUDE : I have never been the type of person who would be the ungrateful kind. But as the years passed, with the full onslaught of life’s demands and acquisitions, I forgot to go back to basics. Her illness brought that aspect back into my life – along with the Nexflix boys, The Minimalists. Less is the new “More” I say …

As a mother who comes from a traditional culture of “Education being a critical passport”; doing well academically; and striving for a career to be a professional with a good title, explaining to the family members that she simply IS NOT WELL enough to finish school was painful. My husband and I were NOT embarrassed – after all, it is what is, but we had to change OUR own mindset that she has a different path as well as those who were close around us. Maybe not being able to finish school was okay as she could always take sub -courses to build her career. This wish of mine is a long way away so I cannot even plan for that now.

But on the mornings after I have been though a sleepless night and wake up with waves of anxiousness as to whether I can have a good day, I open my day with my Be-Gratitudes and it settles me. Namaste ..