Justifying Mid-Life

Mid-Life … whenever THAT is – theoretically is half your lifespan. But with our ever changing lifespan length, who knows when it will be. Thanks to the wonderful world of medical developments, we are generally lasting longer. It is quite amazing that we spend 95% of our health insurance’s pool to care for citizens in their last 5 years of life.

Well mid-life or not … I hope I am at least in the ball park. It gives me the right to not associate with people I don’t like; spend my money without having to answer to anyone; have no airs about who I am and what I feel comfortable speaking out about. Yes you can do all that listed and more and still not be at mid-life. But at mid-life, it feels different. It is like the cage door has opened and you are truly walking on uninhibited grasslands. You have EARNED your right after being responsible for so long. The Dutiful Daughter, the semi-scholastic Student; the semi-scholastic tertiary Graduate; the supportive Wife; the nurturing Mother; and the industrious Business Owner… It is and has been exhausting. No wonder when you get to the Peak and you look down at the past on one side and the pending future on the other side – you can REALLY see the view. Continue your life “AS IS” and the same grass will grow or mow the other side down and re-grow new grass. This is a main marker point in life where you get a chance you to make changes in life for yourself selfishly.

I embarked in this Entitlement stage of mid-life when her illness showed up.

In an instant I could go no where. I did not even feel entitled to anything. I felt so bad that my child was hurting so much and she was in places so dark that it took me 7 hours to reach her at times. I did not know where her self hate came from, why she felt her friends had abandoned her, why she hated her beautiful body, why she blamed me for bringing her into this world when I “was incapable of caring for her”. Most of all – everything I had so called achieved in life felt like a failure because this one thing I had to nurture and protect had failed to see a reason to live .. I HAD FAILED and I was at the half way mark. Everything I had accomplished to this point seemed to have no value just because this one person. Why had I not seen it earlier and what could I have done to prevent it? What sort of mother was I? Had we as parents been too lenient? Too harsh? Not strict enough? Why did I not understand her hints at needing help and mis-interprete her as a normal child with enough resilience to push through? What the fck did I/we do wrong that I/we could even get to mid-life and think we had it all in place? I had to face my own depression for a certain period and I did my best to manage without imposing on the family (I am ok now) but did that have such a bad effect on her?

As a mother, you are as happy as your saddest child. It’s a hard concept to accept especially when you have spent so many years learning not to let others invalidate you and your self-worth. Are your own kids the exception then? And when that is not the case, is that when you are forced as a parent to kick your child out of the house because they are causing too much grief and disruption to the family dynamics?

It has been a few years now and she is slowly getting better. She does not visit the darkness as much. And she is less at war with herself. But until she is well or is as well as can be, walking down the other side of the hill without her will feel very empty.

So I guess I am not saying that she validates my happiness and but I will have to wait until she is ready and safe .. and then I will happily roll down the other side of the Mid-Life hill with grass stains and all.

Breathing back to Basics

I get so stressed sometimes I forget to breathe …

We have forgotten how to breathe – the proper way that is. Deep breaths with intention and power that actually allows oxygen into our lungs. The breaths that we use to take as babies and when we sat outside on the grass in the sunshine as a child. It takes a lot of practice to get it right. Apparently it starts – nose in, go all the way down to your belly (you should be able to feel the belly muscle expand) and then back out. And this Tai Chi teacher I met last year said she even mastered the ability to harness the energy of her breath back out through her spinal cord to complete the cycle.

Recently I worked out that I have forgotten how to breathe. With all my daily stressors, from work and home, – I take shallow breaths. At times I will suddenly click that I have even stopped “breathing”. Not like I would be gasping for air like a fish out of water – but it was noticeable that I had just taken small shallow breaths for a period of time. And how long was that period? I cannot even say.

Shallow breaths start at the nose and end at the chest. One third the journey that a proper breath should be making. In that, the body does not get its full intake of oxygen and the blood stream.

DEEP BREATHS = 1. Better detoxification process for body; body is more efficient at releasing toxins. When you inhale and exhale deeply, the body releases carbon dioxide, and along with it many toxins. 2. It reminds the body that it is NOT in a stressed environment.

BUT more to breathing – it would help her – I wish she would let me (or anyone else) teach her HOW to use Breathing as a technique to help her when she gets her panic/anxiety attacks.

When it got bad and she had panic attacks, she would be in a crouching position, frozen, and not be able to move. On the grass, in the middle of the school oval, anywhere, until we picked her up and helped her walk back to the car. If we were out shopping, she would literally need to go home immediately .. She sometimes refers to it as “Mr Anxiety” – an endearing term to de-personalize the experience.

Now that she is in a slightly better space, she verbally lets me know she is experiencing an attack, gets fidgety and sets about to either annoy me with gentle whacks and/or pokes my arms or my face. Whilst I am irritated that I get used as her “slapping board” I guess she is at least .. letting it out. I know Deep Breathing will not resolve her issues but it is a Tool – one that I am sure the DBT course teaches people with BPD. But alas she is stubborn and will not undertake any treatment at the moment.

The ART OF BREATHING is something we have forgotten – as well as the art of laying still like vegetables .. Be a Broccoli for a day and take deep breaths.

The Healing Code Breathing

Breathing with CHI

The Be-Gratitudes

I am grateful for everyday that she is lives another day and is here with me and the family.

I am grateful for my husband [who had little clue about mental illness an its repercussions] who is a rock to me and. . my dog who is a Constant and brings so much puppy love.

I am grateful for each day when I wake up – remembering that Cheryl passed away from leukemia in March last year and will not get to see her children grow up or finish living her life.

I am grateful for my eldest – who battled her own darkness too – but is safely at studying and working now.

I am grateful for the psychologist who helped me with some strategies when it was so out of me depth and who told me to just hold and sit tight when she raged – for all my daughter wanted to do was to lash out and know that I would stick around and contain it for her.

Lastly I am grateful for my ten fingers and toes and our home – because after dealing daily with her illness; I really go back to basics and are grateful for things that I have overlooked and really taken for granted.

GRATITUDE : I have never been the type of person who would be the ungrateful kind. But as the years passed, with the full onslaught of life’s demands and acquisitions, I forgot to go back to basics. Her illness brought that aspect back into my life – along with the Nexflix boys, The Minimalists. Less is the new “More” I say …

As a mother who comes from a traditional culture of “Education being a critical passport”; doing well academically; and striving for a career to be a professional with a good title, explaining to the family members that she simply IS NOT WELL enough to finish school was painful. My husband and I were NOT embarrassed – after all, it is what is, but we had to change OUR own mindset that she has a different path as well as those who were close around us. Maybe not being able to finish school was okay as she could always take sub -courses to build her career. This wish of mine is a long way away so I cannot even plan for that now.

But on the mornings after I have been though a sleepless night and wake up with waves of anxiousness as to whether I can have a good day, I open my day with my Be-Gratitudes and it settles me. Namaste ..

We don’t communicate like we use to

Let me put it out there, I am not a lover of technology. By that I am referring to the new world of super computers, mobile phones, e-games, the endless pool of movies on demand. I KNOW technology has been helpful in many ways in advancing us BUT I think it has now tipped over to a “overuse” and addition status. We don’t call people, our friends to talk anymore, instead we message.

I always knew she was shy. But she would come home and share her day with me. I knew she had friends and she was not being bullied. She seemed fine. But she was bottling up all her fears and anxieties. As a working mum, I did not realise the extent of time she was spending on gaming after school. My husband is a believer that this generation of kids – the first generation growing up surrounded by lots of technology – should learn to self-regulate from young. This is a fundamental difference between us – I DON’T think at a young age (up to late teens) the child can self – regulate. Everything of entertainment purpose in technology is designed to keep the audience coming back for more.

The problem is if you are shy and a keeper of your feelings, having the use of a mobile phone, you have a barrier and you don’t get as many chances to develop the skills to express yourself verbally. Also you will internalize a lot of emotions and thoughts. Any e-message received that you have doubts over you ruminate whether the tone was cutting or dismissive – words that can be read over and over again in case you missed the point.

The problem is if you are shy and a keeper of your feelings, having the use of e-games means you can lose yourself in another world with anonymous players. Whilst you are communicating with the other players, this is a very aggressive form of interaction. The spoken and the typed words do not in any way resemble pleasant. The imagery of “The League” and other e-games embeds itself even at 1-2 hours per day worth of entertainment.

The problem is if you are shy and a keeper of your feelings, when it all gets too much – you lose the connection to a lifeline of talking and expressing your inner concern. It is much easier to play with your two friends – the phone and the game.

And .. we are the first generation of parents to see our kids grow up with all these new forms of entertainment. So different to what we grew up with. Whilst I understand every generation has been different is lifestyle, this generation has had more changes in many aspects – easy access to information just by Googling, more things to worry about as there are myriads of make up videos, a bazillion fashion items to shop from ..

I tell her to stay true to herself. To express her thoughts when she is bursting from anger, confusion, self hate – rather than cut herself. I remind her she is an empath like me and she needs to understand that tears are normal and that we get joy from doing acts of kindness. I tell her that Yes, I would miss her if she chooses not to live and I respect that the choice to live has to be hers, but I hope she will stay so she can take me shopping when I am old.

The problem is if you are shy and a keeper of your feelings, and you have a family history of depression but you are also on the BPD spectrum, the new world of technology can be a trigger. Well .. THAT is my take anyway.

I am glad that she can now message me “I am not feeling good” and I can call her to ask if she wants me to come home and take her for a drive ..